16 Sep 2016

Feeling disconnected yet happy

I don't know what has happened in past few days but I'm feeling quite happy right now. And so felt I also yesterday. Though I'm sill suffering from derealization (slightly dissociated from surroundings -"disorder"). I've been suffering from that almost year and a half already and my nurse says it's possibly because of my extreme anxiety (and yet one of the scariest things I know). No one wants to feel like they see the world trough some "blurry glass" or disconnected to their surroundings or their own body. I believe my happiness and good mood has something to do with quitting Abilify and starting to do yoga everyday. I've been generally trying to be more active and do more physical things troughout the day. I really hope working out and breathing exercises trough yoga help me to cope with my "unreal" feelings and I can move on with my life, slowly and steady. Right now I feel like my recovery has taken a step forward. I guess that's something to be happy about? ♥

14 Sep 2016

Bipolar disorder and relationships

Am I ever gonna be able to have a stable, balanced relationship? (There it is, I said it lol) It's been quite a while since my last real relationship. I've been dating quite a lot these past years but it always ends up not working for some reason. To be exact I broke up with my last boyfriend just about a time when I fell into depression the first time. Since then it's been a massive rollercoaster for me and bunch of new crushes and heart breaks. I don't know if this is just me or other bipo's as well but since my emotions are big and intense what it comes to feelings in general I also fall in love quickly (and deeply and painfully..) and very often end up breaking my heart. Some people say they don't know if they've ever been in love. It's hard to understand because everybody works differently. In my case I can say I've been in love and as weird as it sounds I feel like I've loved my biggest crushes too. Not that I was desperately trying to make them like me back but my feelings for them were so big I don't know if you can call it just a crush. Or if they were just crushes then me truly loving someone is gonna be as powerfula and intense as volcanic erruption (lol). Because of that vision I'm afraid. Afraid that if and when I find the love of my life after the massive "honeymoon" phase can I still maintain the relationship and how does the love feel after that "phase"?

13 Sep 2016

Medicine hell

Should I quit using Abilify? I felt absolotulely shit in the end. 30 days eating it and last night I flipped. I felt so anxious and restless I started to have a very self-destructive and suicidal thougths (to mention I've rarely had any and never that deep). Today I called my doctor and she adviced me to cut my "already tiny dosage" in half. I didn't take the medicine at all today so will see if I continue using it tomorrow. I already feel a bit better now one day without it.  

8 Sep 2016


I can't stay still. No, not even today. I think it's still the medicine, Abilify. I've been eating it exactly 26 days, three weeks and five days. And yes, I'm still feeling restless. It feels like someone is tickling my whole body from inside. How long can I keep going like this? How long does it take these side effects to go away? Will they ever go? My mood has been up and down this week. Mainly because of some relationship issues, or the lack of them (lol). There's just this guy. The guy lives abroad, I have never even met him and we've been talking since April. And now this teeny tiny "thing" with this guy seems to be fading away as it was racing with summer's last breath. Dying as falling leaves, turning from green to grey. Dead. And I feel down, broken. Again.


I just gotta keep pushing forward. Most of my days I find myself beating myself down and I feel like I'm a failure, somehow incomplete. I don't do it on purpose or to drown myself in self-pity. It's just something that naturally, unconsciously comes up when I start to compare my life to other people's lives. How lucky people are to have jobs and be able to study. Just to manage, cope with life. Do the necessities.. You really start to respect health fully not until you've lost it. Respect your health people. If anything, that's the most important thing you have in life.

5 Sep 2016


Good morning. Today my cousin is coming over and we will probably drive around the town and go for a picnic somewhere. (Little life pleasures.) I love picnics, maybe because I love nature in general. I've actually been vegetarian since January and soon as the last pieces of meet left my body (yes, pooping) I felt like I became closer with animals and nature. I just felt more love for animals and started to make that a connection especially vegans talk about. For now I feel good leaving just meet out of my diet. I still eat small doses of dairy every now and then. Will see where I am a year from know. I don't want to take it too far yet because of my eating disorder history but now I feel happy with my diet and that's good enough for me. Have a lovely day everybody!

4 Sep 2016

Ur badass