28 Aug 2016

I went nuts

Back in business. Me and my family spent a weekend in our cozy log cabin aka summer cottage. Weekend went pretty good. Nothing special to write about. I did lots of crossword puzzles and collected delicious chantarelles and made a delicious mushroom sauce with potatoes. I'm still having very weird dreams. Dreams or more like nightmares telling about my past week. Usually they 're very anxiety provoking. Often it's because I literally go "crazy" in those dreams and lose my mind. Lose myself. Past year and a half has been my worst nightmare. Nothing is as scary as losing your mental health and spending days doing literally nothing because your mind goes trough literally everything. Basically, in Spring 2014 I fell into some sort of psyhcotic stage. I still don't know if it was an actual psychosis or just something related to my bipolar disorder. The most frustrating part is not to have an explanation why I began to live in "hell above earth" and fear of dying trough entire day. It was like I was a prisoner inside my own mind. I couldn't think about anything else than death, suicide, fears and what's wrong with me. It was a difficult time not to mention I was traveling alone abroad while all this happened. Was it a mixed hypomania and deprsession? I don't know but it was the worst experience I've had in this life. So overwhelming and cruel I'm surprised I made it trough the worst part alive and without hospital. I'm surprised I didn't give my life to god's hands and do something unstoppable. Shortly, this is the reason I've been on a "sick leave" for over a year. I went nuts. Until this day it's been a real mystery to me why it all happened. Trough my weekly counselling with psychiatric nurse I've been working on this. I don't know if it has helped or has it just been passing time that gives me more and more distance to go trough those happenings. I'll write about those things in next post. Time to dye my hair a bit more blue again.

No comments:

Post a Comment

"Good vibes boost better lives." Thanks for your comment! :)