29 Aug 2016

Why I became psychotic? (Part 1)

So, what ruined my amazing travels and killed my will to live? In one word the answer is such as simple as stress. The biggest joke and disease on earth. I had been traveling many many months. It was my first trip alone abroad. To a nomadic persona a heaven. For a perfectionist like me it turned out to be too much. I believe I became hypomanic soon as I arrived. Living in a massive party town for six months was like a dream. Not just for my over social "personality" at the time but in many ways. I was living the dream most people could only dream of. I started surfing and made bunch of friends. I could say I became very popular due to my bubbly appearing and "exotic" looks. I knew a lot of people. Most of them ten years older than me. I quickly got into the party lifestyle and became to use drugs casually. I felt like I was the happiest person on earth. (As I probably was but with a reason behind it: severe illness.) I started to feel very anxious when I was alone. Unconsciously drinking and partying as much as I could to keep myself away from thinking. Away from that racking pain deep inside me. Even surrounded by people I started to feel lonely. Something was wrong but I just couldn't understand what. I was living in the edge and started to ignore my health and safety and got myself into very dangerous situations. Last but not least: I got abused. In the most disgusting and wounding way possible, by my best friend at the time. The one I trusted the most. He drugged me. I ended up to the hospital and I remember praying God (even tho I'm not too religious) and thinking never see my family again except in heaven. This guy gave me such a big dose I completely lost it. I thought I was overdosing and started to suffer from massive panic attacks which lasted about ten days. I had no one. I didn't even tell my parents. After those ten days I forgot it. It was too big thing to handle so I didn't. I was too busy partying and drowning my feelings my condition went worse and my anxiety levels were rising tremendously. After those six months I left traveling elsewhere. What happened during those next three months? To be continued.

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